Bah, I just cannot come up with a clever, interesting way to bring you cold, hard facts today. So I will just be blunt and come out and say it: I got a job. Yes. I know what you are thinking. ‘You?! Work?! Don’t make me laugh.’ Well, I’m not lying. After 22 years it was bound to happen. In fact, I think I’ve delayed it quite long enough now.

Because when you suddenly come to the conclusion that the swim trunks you’ve been wearing and still consider ‘new’ are already nearing their fourth anniversary being wrapped around your legs it’s probably time to get some cash-flow towards a new wardrobe.

So let me tell you some more of what the job entails. It’s two and a half hours in the morning and the same again in the afternoon with a break in between. The little creatures I will be teaching are called ‘kids’ and they’ve generally been alive for around 3 to 4 years. Let’s hope they stay that way after I am done with them.

For 30-40 minutes each day I will teach the two different classes. So it’s not like I have to take care of these talking poop-machines all by myself. Heavens no. Besides teaching them those 40 minute classes I will assist the other teachers, help them tell their story, their lunch and make sure nobody breaks any limbs and play with them during playtime. Coincidentally, how can you possibly say ‘play with kids’ without sounding like a pervert? Seriously, I don’t know. But of course you’ll hear much more about these adventures once it’s September, because that’s when I start.

And until it’s that time there is something else I am excited about. I am however not yet entirely sure how that is going to turn out because of the permit I need to do it, but I like to think of myself as one those optimistic types I can find so annoying sometimes. Here it comes. Lhasa, Tibet.

That’s where I am planning to go in August. The maximum temperature of 26 degrees, 0% humidity and gorgeous mountain scenery are the main reasons for why I’d like to go there. Maybe once I know more definitely that these plans will come to fruition I will let you know more. Right now there are just too many ‘ifs’.

So, stay tuned.
Coming soon.

Engnese, you’re wondering, what the hell is that? Well, you might have heard of the expression Chinglish. That means Chinese that has been really literally translated and will generally provide some amusement while reading warning notices or labels. ‘Do not use lift while on fire’, ‘Please take good care of your luggage’, ‘Taking care to deep water, not to take water please.’ And many more much more hilarious ones, but these are so far the ones I’ve seen and the ones I can recall.

But the thing is, I’m pretty much doing the same thing now but the other way around. I will probably translate the few things I can into Chinese so literally that it will seem quite hilarious to Chinese speakers.

I was practising with my Chinese teacher on the different combinations of letters recently and I was going through the list trying to pronounce them (rather loudly I guess). There is one combination that when pronounced means ‘fuck’ (ri), and I managed to turn ‘can I try this on’ into ‘take off my clothes’. So that had some people turning around looking at me rather oddly. And for example the word ài, ái, āi, and ăi respectively mean love, cancer, dust and short. Only the tone at which you say it really determines the meaning. Just imagine saying to someone ‘I cancer you’. Though of course you will largely be able to tell from context what someone may mean.

But it is coming around alright. I can now read a few Chinese characters (I’d say around 30-50, only 3450 to go for a basic newspaper) and ask ‘is this the bus/train/ferry to Timbuktoo?’. Though it will be a while yet before I can have a proper conversation, and least something’s improving.

One thing is definitely not getting any better. And that is the weather. Today we have a scorching 34 degrees with a wonderfully high humidity. My face turns into a leaking sieve and water runs down your back right into your hmm hmm (it rhymes, in case you were wondering what it is). And for some goddamn reason the swimming pool is closed! On a Sunday! There is probably a good reason for it, however, my Chinese is not good enough for that just yet. Especially because nobody here seems to understand that speaking slowly and using simple language might help the foreigner understand you. But she probably said something along the lines of ‘my apologies, kind sir, currently we are in the process of using a combination of chemical compounds and hydrosophilogicalistic filterising whatchamecallems to purge the swimming pool. The reopening of the swimming pool shall take place at the hour of 3 or 4 of the current day’. Instead of the Chinese for ‘open 4 o’ clock’.

Sorry for the lack of posting this last week. You try coming up with a mildly interesting story every few days. It’s not as easy as it looks!

Satan, Beelzebub, Diabolo. Evil has many names. But from the abyssal depths of hell’s furnace a new terror has risen. Its terrifying visage and screams can turn the courage of even the bravest men and women to stone. When this demon tormented me the first time it was still without a name. Since, however, this new more powerful evil has come to be known by the name of:

George.

While this hellspawn cannot breathe fire, command vast armies of demons or crush a man with superhuman strength it has an ability far more horrid.

It is called (if you ask me, I’m no doctor) Attention Deficit Disorder. Or possibly Spoiled Chinese Brat Condition.

Let me sketch you an image here. In a class of seven children you have this devil walking about. You are trying to teach them English. While you try to make it as interesting as you can of course it’s still school. Some parts will be fun and some parts less fun. Through use of your voice, gestures, faces and things like that you try to keep their little minds fixed on you. You play games, sing songs (off key, of course), act a little goofy. And remarkably these tiny things keep them happy.

However, this new evil is immune to these sorts of things.

As soon as you look away he will be running towards the door, towards the desk, be hitting another kid and other such acts of mischief. He’ll go through your bag, draw on you with a whiteboard market, rip up your flash cards and things like that. Generally you try to ignore it but sometimes when he disturbs the others you have to intervene. However, this behaviour is infectious. The other kids (except one, bless the patient little angel) will see him running about and almost start to think it’s okay. I’ve tried tons of tricks on him now (which include but are not limited to bribery and blackmail) but to no avail.

The sad thing is, the boy (evil demon) probably cannot help it.

In any European country or the US the boy would be taken to a doctor or whatever you take kids to for an ADD diagnosis. In China this is unheard of. And I can imagine, of course. It’s your only child and you don’t want to admit there might be a problem.

We’ve talked to the mother and the mother seems to hear this everywhere. However, the mother talked to the father and what kind of parenting technique is still quite popular here?

Bingo. Physical punishment. We heard from the mother that his father had given him a beating and you could tell from the poor little boy. He was jittery, almost scared. However, after one lesson of light improvement it was back to the same level as before; pure evil.

After the last lesson his mother came in and asked for the flash cards used that lesson. The mother asked George to try to say the words, but the poor boy just cracked under the pressure. In class – when I can get his attention – he can say it.

The boy started crying, the mother started shouting at him. And I could do nothing but stand there watching. The mother then walked away in anger and left the boy standing there, crying, saying in Chinese over and over: ‘She’ll never forgive me, she’ll never forgive me, she’ll never forgive me.’ The assistant teacher I had there managed to skillfully calm him down and take him back to his mother.

And even though the little demon torments me to the point of losing my patience, I actually feel sorry for him.

And with good things I mean good news. And with good news I mean no news. Remember the saying: ‘No news is good news?’ Well, I have no news. So that’s good, right? But on the other hand if people hear nothing they start to worry. So to recap: no news, all good, still alive.

Since going to the beach last monday – see previous post – the most interesting thing that has happened is, uh. Hmmm. Let me think. That’s right, nothing much. You know, after a little while you start to settle into a little routine and the things that once astounded you every day start to become more normal.

One thing that has happened that is rather annoying is the blocking of Flickr and Twitter because of the ‘hmmm hmmm hmmm’ anniversary. To me is seems rather pointless because there are so many alternatives nowadays. Especially when it comes to Flickr (which is a photo-sharing website). And I was just starting to enjoy reading celebrities’ Twitter feeds. Probably only a matter of time before Facebook also goes.

Anyway, sorry for the kind of radio-silence but hopefully I’ll soon have some more interesting things to tell. I could type up some bullshit story now but that’s only going to waste your time reading it and my time writing it.

And if you will now excuse me, I have more lessons to prepare.

Edit: I just ran into this on the Internet which is just something that you see every day here in China, but it’s always one of those cases where I don’t have a camera.

Last Monday morning I was asked if I wanted to take a trip to the beach that evening. ‘Sorry, I have to teach this evening’, I said. That wasn’t a problem they told me, because they weren’t leaving until about 9:30 in the evening. It was with Cindy and Danny and some other people. I teach Danny’s daughter 2 hours each week in a private lesson and I know Cindy because she is the one I teach for in the evenings. And they know each other because they work in the same field which is of course English lessons.

Danny organised this trip with a group she started which encompasses all sorts of teachers. Funnily enough, the ones they call English teachers really have quite poor English and I couldn’t understand half the time, they really only teach textbook English.

The plan was to go to the beach at night and sleep in a tent. When we arrived there I expected it to be near-deserted. But it looked so surreal it was almost post-apocalyptic. At 11 in the evening there were still so many people swimming in the dark water under the starry sky. All with their yellow floatation rings on because a lot of them can’t swim. Of course we all went swimming as well. The water was cool but not cold, clean and smooth and a very welcome refresher.

After about an hour or so of impressing Chinese people with swim moves I got a bit tired though. And scaring them by calling: ‘Shark!’ lost it’s effect after a while. And you can’t fight to try to push them underwater because they won’t go anywhere without their floaty flotsam anyway.

After that there was a barbeque which was pretty good and then at 4 in the morning you try to sleep in your Chinese-sized tent only to be awoken two hours later by the sunrise (which was quite nice, actually).

Whatcha think about the new colours here?

Diversity. It is something that here in China is either abundant or non-existing. On the one hand you have mall after mall filled with H&Ms and Starbuckses, but inbetween are spread the older neighbourhoods with cute little squares, green parks, family restaurants and little shops that sell everything from envelopes and lychees to bricks. So it rather depends on where you go. If you ask me, China – and especially its bigger cities – are quickly losing that which makes them Chinese. Sure, the writings on the buses and ads are still impossible to comprehend scribbles but besides that you could almost be anywhere.

Last weekend after going shopping and eating at the Pizza Hut we actually went bowling, does that sound Chinese to you?

Then the other day you visit an ancient Emperor’s tomb, see grannies dancing with hundreds at a time in the cute little square and eat home-made noodles at a family owned mini-restaurant. With chopsticks of course. And after you sit in the park eating lychees – which are in season right now.

I don’t have pictures of any of that right now. Every time I want to take pictures of any of that I don’t have my camera with me. Because some of it really is quite enchanting. But see what I mean? In this part of China you can really just experience it the way you want. But enough of that, time for a more personal story.

It’s a rather complicated one so focus please. Alright, ready? Well, there is this woman called May I do 4 hours of classes for each week and her English is really poor. We have massive troubles communicating. (Incidentally, what is with naming children after months here? I teach, in different classes, girls named April, May, June and July.) I took over these classes for May from Berry and a lot of the times changed. And to add to the confusion because of a holiday the weekend was moved to Thursday and Friday last week. So on Friday morning I send her a message: “Is there class tonight?” and get the reply “No class tonight, tomorrow ‘girls’ class 10.00 to 11.30.”

The next morning I show up at the arranged time and there’s nobody there. I see one of the girls for what we call the ‘girls’ class come in. But later I see one of the boys for the kindergarten class come in. Then another one. Then a few minutes late May shows up looking like she saw a ghost. Turns out she miscommunicated the time and class. I didn’t have the girls class but a kindergarten class. However, for the kindergarten class I had nothing! No lesson plan, no pictures, no materials, nothing! And while it wasn’t my fault these 7 parents all brought their kids here and think there might as well be a lesson. So I had to improvise on the spot for a 1-hour lesson. But the remarkable thing was, if they hadn’t know they wouldn’t have noticed, because it actually went really well!

Have to go now, need to make lesson plans for this week. Keep those comments coming. Also, check out some more photos here.